This morning, I have a egg whites on wheat with strawberries and strawberry milk.

Best breakfast ever.

The Study Abroad Program sent me a book with all the information in it, the prices do get high. But I was talking with one of my managers, who is almost like a sister to me, from work and she said she'd send me like a 100 dollars down there every month. Which made my day, I'm glad to be getting some support.

I really am going to work really hard to get onto the program, and on to the school period so I can studied my full degree in Ireland.

I just hope I don't overload myself with work and what not. Full time student, and working two jobs.. IF I get the job at Cheddars. We'll see Wednesday!

Up and down.

My weight as always been an issue for me. Always. I've always wanted to be one of those girls who can get anything and stay little, but that isn't the case with me. 

I eat, I gain. 

I hate how I look, I look in the mirror and want nothing more then to lose weight. I hate looking at myself.

I use to have some what of a eating disorder. Till I got caught. I wish I didn't, because I was small then and getting smaller and it was wonderful. 

Eating whatever I wanted and staying little was AMAZING. And addicting. It was hard to stop and I miss it. It made me feel good, and now I hate dressing up just because I hate how fat I feel. 

Yoga pants are my favorite because you can't really tell how big I look and they're super comfy. I'm not huge but I'm at the hugest I've been. And it's awful. 

But I will lose weight, I'm going to start going running again and eat more healthy and less.

I'm determined.

Whateveas.

Well, I have a second interview for cheddars next week on Wednesday. 

Hopefully I'll get it. 

I got a book in the mail today about the study abroad program and I was looking at the prices and it is pricy. I just hope I can get the money up and get that scholarship. 

I'm gonna try hard. 

Sinner at best.

"All saints have a past, all sinners have a future."

I love that quote. I think it sounds about right. 

August is seeking up on me, so much to do in August I feel like! I start back school, as a full time student which scares the hell out of me, what if i can't all of it on and work? I'm also trying to get a second job, because I need one! Money is always tight with me. Times are rough. 

Which I might be getting a second job today, at Cheddar's. In a way, I hope I do get, but then don't because it's my favorite place to eat and it's probably gonna ruin that.. but money is money.

I hope I do get a pal grant, and I hope I do have money left over, maybe then I could take care of a few things, like my car and actually buying some clothes so that I have more then two outfits to wear. 

Which, I got a clothes problem. I love clothes, way too much for my own. Which is why I also need money. It's crazy how when I was little, I didn't notice how much money played a role in life, but it's the main factor. You have to have it in order to live, and that's kinda actually sad when you think about it, that our lives are ran by how little, or how much money we have. 

Back to August though, I also have mine and Tyler's three years coming up.. I'm excited in the way that I know he has wanted to be with me for three years. What more could I ask for? I still don't know what to get him but then I think I have a tad bit of an idea. 

I'm ready for Warped Tour.

Hello, Silverstein! My favorite band. I'll finally get to see them live again! Along with a lot of other bands that I love. I'm trying to get the money up to were we can get a hotel room, go to the zoo the day before and then sleep, and warped tour next day. 

I'm such a little kid at heart. 

My grandmother and my grandfather have to go back to atl today because of my grandfather, he has his cancer taken out and he's having the hardest time recovering. He just wants to give up. That's what he told my grandmother. He's been through hell, but to give up after you've came so far? That'd be crazy! You can see it in his eyes though, how badly he just wants to stop hurting and that's enough to take a emotional toll on anyone really. 

I know though, that the Lord has his hand over him. 

I really miss going to Barns and Nobles and just getting a Starbucks coffee and sitting down, and reading a book. I love everything about Barns and Nobles. And Starbucks for that matter. 

I guess I actually just love cafes. I love the city. I love old time looking buildings, they're beautiful. I believe that's probably why I wanna go to Ireland so bad. They're city is gorgeous from I've seen through pictures.

Well, fingers crossed about Cheddar's. 

Dream on.

I have to get my GPA up to a 3.5 for study abroad, because I need the scholarship. 

I asked about full degree and I can actually apply to the school and what not so this year I'm gonna have to work my ass for Ireland! 

And I want it so I'm gonna work my ass off for it, for sure. 💪 

I had to regstier for my classes today for CVCC and it was SO LONG.

I was ready to leave at ten, and I had only been there for an hour. I didn't get out of there till about four. 

I still don't know wether I got my pal grant or not, there's still viewing it- I also found out that with the study abroad program, it's possible my finical aid will go with the program, which would help out a lot.  

I'm gonna apply for the study abroad program soon, I have send my college grades for this semester but the only sat back is that I have to pay to actually apply to the program, which I thought I did at first but I didn't, I only 'expressed interest' 😒 

Dream on though right? Gotta keep faith and try, if I never I won't ever know. 

Anywhere but here.

I've been looking into Ireland. Doing some resreach and from I understand, they're doing no better then the US.

No jobs and all that good stuff, but I'm not sure because I was also told that through 'Yahoo answers'

I really do want to move to another state, country.. whatever when I am able too. I really had my heart set on Ireland, and still is. I'm still trying to get on that program just so I can get out of here. And because I want to go to Ireland real bad.

Don't freak out!

I told my grandmother about the Study Abroad program.

She's the only one in my life I've told besides my brother. She freaked. Which is why I'm not telling anyone else in my family till I find out if I can on the program or not. She wants me to go, but she wants me with her. Things are hard here, and I know I should stay but I can't.

Papa told her 'if that baby has a chance to go to Ireland, you let her go!'
That's why I love him.

I just can't. I can't get stuck here like everyone else here. Most of the people I know that live here, live here because they got stuck here, not because they wanted to stay here, in Sin City.

I haven't told Tyler I applied for it either, I did tell him I was thinking about it though. He just doesn't know I did apply, actually took the step to try to get on the program.

I don't wanna tell him because there is the matter of if I do go, even though we've been together for three years, he isn't gonna wanna stay together when it comes to long distance, which I do understand but my heart would probably be broken, but who knows what would happen. I guess if we actually get to that bridge, we'll cross it then.

I just hope he loves me enough to understand that I really need to get out of here. That I'm not leaving him, I'm just leaving this town. I want him with me, always.

I wonder if I do go to Ireland, if I actually do get on the program, if I'd be happy, if I would get so home sick I wouldn't be able to stand it or if I would fall in love with the city and end up wanting to stay there, and settle down there.

Me and my best friend Danielle were talking about it, she says she hopes I get it because she thinks it'd be good for me. I do too. I'm glad she's supportive.

I do realize that if I do go, there would be a lot of things I would miss, like my family. Going to my grandmothers all the time. Seeing my grandfather. Going swimming at my uncles. Hanging out with my crazy ass brother.

But I don't think I'll miss anything about this place, if that makes sense.