Don't freak out!

I told my grandmother about the Study Abroad program.

She's the only one in my life I've told besides my brother. She freaked. Which is why I'm not telling anyone else in my family till I find out if I can on the program or not. She wants me to go, but she wants me with her. Things are hard here, and I know I should stay but I can't.

Papa told her 'if that baby has a chance to go to Ireland, you let her go!'
That's why I love him.

I just can't. I can't get stuck here like everyone else here. Most of the people I know that live here, live here because they got stuck here, not because they wanted to stay here, in Sin City.

I haven't told Tyler I applied for it either, I did tell him I was thinking about it though. He just doesn't know I did apply, actually took the step to try to get on the program.

I don't wanna tell him because there is the matter of if I do go, even though we've been together for three years, he isn't gonna wanna stay together when it comes to long distance, which I do understand but my heart would probably be broken, but who knows what would happen. I guess if we actually get to that bridge, we'll cross it then.

I just hope he loves me enough to understand that I really need to get out of here. That I'm not leaving him, I'm just leaving this town. I want him with me, always.

I wonder if I do go to Ireland, if I actually do get on the program, if I'd be happy, if I would get so home sick I wouldn't be able to stand it or if I would fall in love with the city and end up wanting to stay there, and settle down there.

Me and my best friend Danielle were talking about it, she says she hopes I get it because she thinks it'd be good for me. I do too. I'm glad she's supportive.

I do realize that if I do go, there would be a lot of things I would miss, like my family. Going to my grandmothers all the time. Seeing my grandfather. Going swimming at my uncles. Hanging out with my crazy ass brother.

But I don't think I'll miss anything about this place, if that makes sense.